ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
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There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting