Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
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Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?