you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
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“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
#damn
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I hope they boil the right one.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.