you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
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A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.