@TheMichaelRock: You couldn't hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.
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@BallsMcBallski: It's been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.
@SamuelHLowe: Aliens must know that we're an easily conquerable race if they've ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
@psybermonkey: [First date] Her: I love to travel. Me: *stands up with basketball* I don't think this is gonna work.
@robdelaney: Steve Jobs' entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger's cord.