Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
You Might Also Like
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
fourth time’s the charm
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward