@NotOnTheMoors: You could've cut the atmosphere with a knife; disapproval radiated from every doorway. I'd missed cat feeding time by two hours.
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@gingerfaced: [arrives in heaven] how'd you die? me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
@Smethanie: The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, "Hold on I can't hear you. I gotta turn on the light." The dark was too loud?
@ChipKellysBalls: To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find ...