@NotOnTheMoors: You could've cut the atmosphere with a knife; disapproval radiated from every doorway. I'd missed cat feeding time by two hours.
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@shatterpants: I like to tell people "it's a black thing, you wouldn't understand."And they'd be all "but you're white" I told ya you wouldn't understand.
@bourgeoisalien: the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote? ME: [bleeding profusely] So... not a dog
@envydatropic: My family was totally confused tonight because there's a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning I don't do that