I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
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Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”