@ozzyunc: You could've told me that wasn't your real name before I got the tattoo.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TuSoonShakur: Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic. There was no expiration date, Carl.
@DaddyJew: 8: daddy, can I have $600,000? Me: what? No 8: can I have $3? Me: fine but only bc I feel like im getting a deal here
@Sassafrantz: boss: I've been reviewing the security footage from last night and... me: OH SHIT! boss: OH SHIT IS RIGHT! YOUR DANCE MOVES ARE ON POINT!
@bananagrvyrd: Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.