[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
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My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.