You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
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Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting