You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
This meal prepping shit easy
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.