“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus