You deplete me
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Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
a badder mouse
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY