“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
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<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.