me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
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My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
who wants to go expliring
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.