I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
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Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.