You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Banking tips
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
This kid is going places
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.