Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
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Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.