The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*