What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
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[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!