(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
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HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.