ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
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I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
“No way.” -Jose
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
channeling her this year
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady