COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
You Might Also Like
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Sharon I have some bad news
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
doing your own taxes
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.