You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.