You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
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Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
12653.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
(Electricians.)