You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
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Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.