You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
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I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.