@secondofhername: You don't have to write 'Twitter addict' in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
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@pizzajaynow: When a Jehovah Witness dies, Heaven turns off all the lights and pretends no one is home.
@Cyd10e: If every day is a gift, I'd have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day. Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
@TheMichaelRock: I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.
@david8hughes: *puts spider in the ocean* "Now go free and flourish into an octopus." *cuts girl in half & puts in ocean* "Mermaid probably."