You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
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Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.