You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
You Might Also Like
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
do horses think humans are hats
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]