You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
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“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Cat is stressing him out.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?