You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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I put the mess in domestic.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast