You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
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Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!