You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
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[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t