You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
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I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me