You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
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This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.