You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
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3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.