You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
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If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
This is always good for a laugh.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.