You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*