You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
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Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me