You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
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When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.