captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
You Might Also Like
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered