@1Happytwit: You don't need to use your words if you're carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
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@aka_fatman: President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you- [two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow] That wasn't the intercom.
@bornmiserable: "I don't know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and - oh sorry, wrong number." - Liam Neeson in Mistaken
@thestlouisan: My 5 year old just ended a phone call with "I gotta jump, Daddy. I'm out." And now everyone in my house is officially cooler than me.
@Diversion50: "Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I'd been invited to an autopsy.