@1Happytwit: You don't need to use your words if you're carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
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@moist_jeff: I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it's just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.
@Smug_Lemur: Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
@Brianhopecomedy: Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
@WilliamAder: A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.