You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
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blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea