You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
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I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free