You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
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This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
This is the one
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”