You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
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“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.