@smithsara79: You don't really know true fear until you're headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
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@FudgeRobot: Sometimes when I'm about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I'm a wizard.
@daemonic3: "Hey, will you join us in our street protest?" No thanks "Why not?" I actually love streets
@HumorParasite: Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
@Playing_Dad: Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today? Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.