You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
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People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or