You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
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Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Pass gas, not judgment.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Respect
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.