[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
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squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
adam and eve had first world problems
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
jesus, what did this guy do
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?