You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
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Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
#JohnTravolta
Fries, not lies.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day