You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
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Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse